Author Topic: Morning Chuckles  (Read 12711 times)

Creek Dude

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Morning Chuckles
« on: March 24, 2012, 08:06:04 AM »
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
"Rock the Creek." - Hardrock

saudust

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2012, 08:11:50 AM »
That baby didn't get just hit by the ugly stick, the whole tree whupped it!

LMAO.  Nice start, Tim!
Let me wake laughing from a nap in the afternoon under the aspens in the fall.

Mr. Magoo

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2012, 09:43:39 PM »
Why Do Women Live Longer Than Men?


« Last Edit: March 26, 2012, 09:47:09 PM by rgm »

saudust

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2012, 08:22:32 AM »
http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers

since it has to do with fishing...lol
Let me wake laughing from a nap in the afternoon under the aspens in the fall.

Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2012, 01:11:47 PM »

saudust

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2012, 09:57:51 AM »
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

 
Let me wake laughing from a nap in the afternoon under the aspens in the fall.

Creek Dude

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2012, 09:05:29 PM »
If ya got some time, here's over an hour of gags...

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/7cdkqJN2rxI" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/7cdkqJN2rxI</a>
"Rock the Creek." - Hardrock

Mr. Magoo

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2012, 11:01:17 AM »

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2012, 06:42:33 AM »
Do I need to add anything


Mr. Magoo

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2012, 08:35:42 PM »


 Subject: The Green Thing

At the cash register of the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations. You didn't have the green thing."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycling. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the Melbourne Cricket Ground. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wrapped up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn't expect that to be trucked in or flown thousands of air miles. We actually cooked food that didn't come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, city people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

Remember:

Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2012, 10:06:58 PM »
I hope the gate is unlocked


Gary C.

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2012, 10:13:14 PM »
It seems I'm always on the wrong side of the gate.  :puzzled:

fishpole

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2012, 08:19:20 AM »
What I don't understand is why is that gate in the middle of the lake?  :lol2:

Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2012, 08:18:05 AM »
I hope so

Little Hardrock

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #14 on: May 23, 2012, 06:52:28 AM »
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down, and I know he won't ask for directions."
Hardrock, may his spirit live on in all of us.....

Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2012, 08:02:37 AM »
Kind of ironic


Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #16 on: May 31, 2012, 08:22:19 PM »
I will not bad mouth city workers again.
I will not bad mouth city workers again.
I will not bad mouth city workers again.

« Last Edit: May 31, 2012, 08:24:41 PM by Fredb »

Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2012, 03:31:37 PM »
And you wonder why they went under

Creek Dude

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #18 on: June 02, 2012, 07:47:23 PM »
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/0zb1qsVqjwg&fs=1" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/0zb1qsVqjwg&fs=1</a>
"Rock the Creek." - Hardrock

Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #19 on: June 04, 2012, 06:17:24 AM »
I'm always looking for a good sale


Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #20 on: June 04, 2012, 09:20:40 PM »
You get what you pay for


Creek Dude

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #21 on: June 27, 2012, 04:21:29 PM »
"Rock the Creek." - Hardrock

Fredb

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #22 on: July 12, 2012, 06:41:38 AM »
This should be a warning on the label


Creek Dude

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #23 on: September 09, 2012, 07:16:31 PM »
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/MvgN5gCuLac&fs=1" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/MvgN5gCuLac&fs=1</a>
"Rock the Creek." - Hardrock

Little Hardrock

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #24 on: October 04, 2012, 07:01:36 AM »
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."

He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."  When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord...?"

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.  The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Hardrock, may his spirit live on in all of us.....