Author Topic: Morning Chuckles  (Read 12697 times)

Little Hardrock

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #25 on: October 05, 2012, 07:08:01 AM »
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."   
 
Hardrock, may his spirit live on in all of us.....

Little Hardrock

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #26 on: October 08, 2012, 07:55:58 AM »
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel I desperately gave myself a personal "TSA pat down." I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my pockets.  A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.  Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. 

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion: her theory was right.
 
The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." 

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.  "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep, it's the golden years.
Hardrock, may his spirit live on in all of us.....

wshawkins

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #27 on: October 08, 2012, 08:41:39 AM »
Your on a roll Little Hardrock!   :clap: :clap: 
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

Little Hardrock

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #28 on: October 11, 2012, 07:23:01 AM »
It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting crazy amounts of firewood."

Hardrock, may his spirit live on in all of us.....

Mr. Magoo

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Re: Morning Chuckles
« Reply #29 on: November 02, 2012, 04:32:53 PM »
Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."