Author Topic: Fishing Humor  (Read 10349 times)

wshawkins

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Fishing Humor
« on: June 03, 2014, 06:17:27 AM »
Fishing Humor


I hear a lot of fishing stories and jokes, and some are quite funny, and some are just large tales.  When I’m fishing with my buddies in the Sierra or sitting at the campfire that night, the stories come out.  I’ll share what I think are the best ones I heard.

As always, if you have a funny, humorous fishing story or joke to share, please post it.  We could all use a laugh!




THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT!



A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read.  One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.  While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.  She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?  She says, "Reading my book."  The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.  To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment.  I will have to take you in and write you up!"  Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."  The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."  To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

TEX

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2014, 11:12:58 AM »
On a real note. I was coming out of Coyote Flats on the fringe season where hunting/fishing overlap. YES Blaze orange was the color of the day and I left my Bullwinkle hat at home.  I got stopped at a checkpoint out by the old airfield.  The warden asked how the hunting was. I insisted that I wasn't hunting. I said that he saw me through binoculars with a rifle, hunting. I said neither of us were; I was only fishing, had no fish but a valid license.  I took it as harassment;   :catfight: which isn't like me. I was very polite as he searched the jeep and under my tarp covering the bed.... Not even an apology.... Just a "move along"  I believe in what goes around comes around and it's only a matter of time he'll have two flats on the way down or the likes.
Oh yea.  :clap: Funny Hawk.
The E.S. is where I come to get back to sanity and to the real me.

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2014, 06:16:41 AM »
Crumpled Up


The husband comes home from a week long fishing trip and sees his wife all dolled up and dressed real sexy.  After a delicious dinner and a few drinks the wife leads husband into the bedroom.  With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"


No," said her husband


She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill


He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.


She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"


"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.


She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.


He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.


Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”


No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied.


“Go look in the garage”.
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2014, 06:15:04 AM »
Three Blonds Fishing


Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies; I'd like to see your fishing licenses." We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2014, 06:18:41 AM »
Captain Bravo


Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo.  He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.   One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.  Captain Bravo bellowed "Bring me my Red Shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.  Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships.  The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.  That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain:  "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"  The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."  All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man.  As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.  The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.  Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants."
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2014, 06:38:47 AM »
A Real Fisherman


A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.  He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.  On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.  The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he'd be there as soon as possible.  As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital.  He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.   He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife.  Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.  He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!  For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.  And you'll be her care giver forever!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.  She's dead.  What'd you catch?"

"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

saudust

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2014, 09:02:02 AM »
Only fishing humor can withstand that one, wshawkins.  That's one I have to tell my wife.  She'd understand (I think???)
Let me wake laughing from a nap in the afternoon under the aspens in the fall.

Claremont Dude

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2014, 10:06:19 AM »
Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.  On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout.  He told the fishmonger, 'Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?'

'Why do you want me to throw them at you?' Asked the salesman?'  So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.' said Alex.

'Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.'  Why's that?  'Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon.  That's what she'd like for supper tonight', replied the fishmonger with a grin.
"Many go fishing all their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after."- Henry David Thoreau

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2014, 06:43:50 AM »
That sounds like my older brother Claremont Dude. :lol2:  I don't think he caught a trout in years, hard to beleave he's related. ;D
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2014, 06:45:30 AM »
Top 20 Reasons Why Fishing is better than Sex


#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing together.

#11 - If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again?  We just fished last week!  Is fishing all you ever think about?"

"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2014, 06:21:34 AM »
Fishing or Sex?


Four married guys go fishing.  After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck for the pool.

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

saudust

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #11 on: June 30, 2014, 04:15:24 PM »
 :lol2:
Let me wake laughing from a nap in the afternoon under the aspens in the fall.

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2014, 06:30:18 AM »
The Wish


A fisherman was walking along the shore of the lake and finds a bottle.  He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle.  A genie appeared and thanked the fisherman for letting him out.  The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The fisherman thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii.  I've never been able to go because I cannot fly.  Airplanes are much too frightening for me.  On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic.  So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that.  Just think of all the work involved.  Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean.  Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The fisherman thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted.  I would like to be able to understand women.  What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't.  Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

TEX

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2014, 11:47:00 AM »
The fisherman thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted.  I would like to be able to understand women.  What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't.  Basically, what makes them tick."

Just think if you had a patent on THAT! All men would want a copy :worship:
The E.S. is where I come to get back to sanity and to the real me.

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #14 on: July 07, 2014, 06:45:47 AM »
The Purchase


A lady goes into a sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.  A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she replies.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and cannot see the rod you're referring to.  However, if you'll drop it on the counter, I'll tell you all about it as I can tell rods by the sound they make."

So the lady picks up the rod and drops it on the counter.

"That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6'2" long, medium action - costs $55.95," he says.

The lady is amazed. She asks if she can try again.  Finding another rod, she drops it on the counter.

"That's an Orion 35C, graphite, saltwater casting rod, 7' even - costs $135.00," he responds.

Impressed, the lady decides to buy the second rod.  As the blind clerk is ringing up the sale, the lady walks a short distance away to look at fishing reels.  As she returns to the counter, she cannot help herself, and makes a distinctive sound as she passes gas.  Embarrassed, but figuring the clerk will have no idea who did it, she elects not to apologize.

Finished with the sales tally, the clerk says, "That will be $170.00"

"What?" says the lady. "You said the rod was only $135.00."

"That's right ma'am," says the clerk. "$135.00 for the rod, $30.00 for the duck call, and $5.00 for the bait."
« Last Edit: July 07, 2014, 08:52:24 AM by wshawkins »
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #15 on: July 18, 2014, 06:49:25 AM »

The Drunk


A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice.  He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.  All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.


"You will find no fish under that ice."


The drunk looks around, but sees no one.  He starts sawing again.  Once more, the voice speaks.


"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."


The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul.  He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.  Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.


"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"


The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish?  Are you God trying to warn me?"


"No", the voice replied.  "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2014, 06:53:13 AM »
Men for Sale


A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.  You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.


There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men have jobs.


The second floor sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.


The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.


"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help
with the housework.


"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with
the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #17 on: July 25, 2014, 06:40:18 AM »
The Dietitian


A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.  "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."


"Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  Vegetables can be disastrous due to chemicals and pesticides used on them, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."


"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


 A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2014, 06:47:47 AM »
Phantom Fish



A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH.”

“What fish?” the man asked.
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2014, 06:43:33 AM »
Fishermen and Funeral


Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years.  One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by.  Well, Kent lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart.  This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass.  Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word.  Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions.  One of them finally speaks up and says, “That sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by.”  Kent replied, “It seems the least I could do seeing as how I’ve been married to the woman for over forty years!”
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2014, 06:34:05 AM »
Bumper Stickers for Trout Bums



1)   Fly fishermen strip on every cast

2)   Honk if you have fins


3)   I’m not as old as I look…these are water wrinkles

4)   Give a man a fish and he’ll throw it back


5)   I’d rather be lying

6)   A bad day fishing reminds me of a story?


7)   Vote your drift

8)   A good fly is like a martini…dry


9)   Tie one on

10)   Hey fish, want me to take you to my leader?


11)   Get the hackles up

12)   I’ll give up my gun when my pawnbroker gets in a nice 4-weight Sage


13)   They are ALL afraid of my bag, bad Wulff

14)   If you can read this, will you tie on my midge?


15)   My cat hacked up a flymph

16)   If you like my casting, call 1-800-GOT-FISH


17)   I brake for backing

18)   My honor Student has a trout stamp


19)   I came, I saw, I got hung

20)   If you’re a nymph fisherman, your fly is always down

"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

TEX

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2014, 08:40:59 AM »
#12 may never happen in TX or Retired 96
#20 I give a  :twothumbs:
The E.S. is where I come to get back to sanity and to the real me.

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #22 on: July 30, 2014, 02:52:39 PM »
I’m talking about the gun with the broken firing pin and even when firing couldn’t hit broad side of a barn.  Keep the other 16 guns for target practice or for other endeavors. ;D
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2014, 06:35:21 AM »
Three Men and A Baby



"Three Men and A Baby" What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

wshawkins

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Re: Fishing Humor
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2014, 07:10:29 AM »
Great Catch?


Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."