Rock Creek Message Board - a morning chuckle....

Eastside fisher

Weekender

Offline

Posts: 52

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #285 - Mar 5^th, 2010 at 9:50am

rgm wrote on Mar 4^th, 2010 at 5:24pm:

I also had a paper router.
We had 4 party line on are telephone.
Just imagine if the people using cell phone had party lines.

Was not going to say this.
We had 78 rpm records at my house.
When I was growing up.

I am older then dirt.

It could be worse, like old enought that you can't remember

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

IP Logged

Fred b

Rock Creek Local

Offline

Posts: 553

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #286 - Mar 8^th, 2010 at 9:51am

Questions That Haunt You

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you cry under water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a " penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What disease did cured ham actually have?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

IP Logged

Fred b

Rock Creek Local

Offline

Posts: 553

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #287 - Mar 10^th, 2010 at 5:06pm

THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED,

WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.

'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED

'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.

'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.

'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.

JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS
AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.

THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE.
VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5000.. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE,
AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED

THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.

AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED. THE MAN REPLIED, ' IOWA.'

'REALLY', SHE SAID.. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN IOWA .'

'I KNOW.' THE MAN SAID. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN...

1. DEATH

2. TAXES, AND

3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER

Speaking of Lawyers

retired96 wrote on Mar 10^th, 2010 at 4:16pm:

No fish decoys, I'm going to shoot liberal panty waste worthless lawyers decoys....

****Sorry if I offended any prostitutes****

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

IP Logged

Todd Johnson Global Moderator Offline Posts: 1055 Santee, CA	Re: a morning chuckle.... Reply #288 - Mar 11^th, 2010 at 7:50am Nice Fred, Loved it.
Back to top	(Attachment deleted) CRASH - "Creekers Really Are Special Humans" Mikki IP Logged

rgm Weekender Offline Posts: 65 OC	Re: a morning chuckle.... Reply #289 - Mar 11^th, 2010 at 6:24pm Toyota Lawn Mower
Back to top	(Attachment deleted) IP Logged

Little Hardrock

Rock Creek Local

Offline

Posts: 688
Auburn, CA

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #290 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 7:35am

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. (Just go along with this, ok?)

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch .I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

may HR's spirit live on in all of us!

IP Logged

Fred b

Rock Creek Local

Offline

Posts: 553

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #291 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 9:15am

The joys of being retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

IP Logged

Saudust Rock Creek Local Offline Posts: 269 Whittier	Re: a morning chuckle.... Reply #292 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 9:55am That's hilarious, Fred. I'm crying...
Back to top	(Attachment deleted) IP Logged

beldingi Rock Creek Local Offline Posts: 272 Chicago & Mammoth	Re: a morning chuckle.... Reply #293 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 11:26am Two goods ones - thanks LHR and Fred!
Back to top	(Attachment deleted) IP Logged

rgm

Weekender

Offline

Posts: 65
OC

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #294 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 11:57am

Fred b wrote on Mar 12^th, 2010 at 9:15am:

The joys of being retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a nuts-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

People who leave dogs in cars are my favorites.
I get the dog so upset he tears up the upholstery and dumps on the dash.

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

IP Logged

Todd Johnson

Global Moderator

Offline

Posts: 1055
Santee, CA

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #295 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 1:26pm

Computer Call:

IT: I.T., This is Fred, how can I help you?
Gentleman: Yeah, I am having a problem over here; I can’t seem to get it up.
IT: Can’t get what up Sir?
Gentleman: The blah blah system, it not coming up.
IT: Okay, let me make sure that I completely understand you. You can’t get it up?
Gentleman: Yeah that correct, I don’t know if I am just stupid, but I just can’t seem to get it up.
IT: Okay, well will send someone over to help you get it up.
Gentleman: Okay great!

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

CRASH - "Creekers Really Are Special Humans" Mikki

IP Logged

Little Hardrock

Rock Creek Local

Offline

Posts: 688
Auburn, CA

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #296 - Mar 17^th, 2010 at 6:46am

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

may HR's spirit live on in all of us!

IP Logged

Fred b

Rock Creek Local

Offline

Posts: 553

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #297 - Mar 22^nd, 2010 at 10:55am

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.The other is an old retired golfer in his late sixties.

The circus owner tells them,"I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

IP Logged

Saudust Rock Creek Local Offline Posts: 269 Whittier	Re: a morning chuckle.... Reply #298 - Mar 22^nd, 2010 at 2:00pm Would you stop that, Fred B? It's embarassing to be crying at work and rolling on the office floor!
Back to top	(Attachment deleted) IP Logged

Little Hardrock

Rock Creek Local

Offline

Posts: 688
Auburn, CA

Re: a morning chuckle....
Reply #299 - Mar 25^th, 2010 at 6:51am

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

Without blinking an eye she said, "They're 35 cents now."

Back to top

(Attachment deleted)

may HR's spirit live on in all of us!

IP Logged